| Episode # 78 – ‘The Video Yearbook’
||[Mar. 16th, 2010|06:05 pm]
The ravings of a madman about a show for kids
I have a feeling I may not be able to finish typing this today. When you’ve worked in the administrative field for as long as I have you get a bizzaro sixth-sense in regards to when a shit pile of work is about to be dumped on you. It’s like how old time-y farmers can sense the rain coming in their bones or how my best friend knows when his coke dealer’s downstairs before he calls. You eventually just become one with what you do. It sucks. I base my expectancies of not finishing this entry today on a few things, 1.) I had NOTHING to do this morning. 2.) My boss did not come in until like ten minutes ago 3.) Instead of using this morning to write in this blog I spent it farting around on random websites and messageboards 4.) 99.9% of the time when those three things occur and just as I’m pulling up Wikipedia to see what episode number I’m about to write about, boom, I gotta book vacations for nine people or do three hours of data entry or go buy stool softening pills (I wish I was joking) and this blog gets put off yet another day. Then again, I just spent twenty minutes writing about how I may not be able to keep writing. We’re through the looking glass here folks. I won’t delay any longer. Today we have yet another episode wherein Zack dabbles in being a pornographer at the expense of his friends. Zack came so close to being Joe Francis so many times it’s almost heartbreaking. Episode # 78 – ‘The Video Yearbook.’ |
The senior year episodes mainly focused around Zack shifting his all consuming desire to go to Hawaii to an all consuming desire for a car. It’s too bad nobody told Zack he already has a car from when he won a volleyball tournament the previous summer. Further proof that the Malibu Sands episodes happened only in Zack’s rapidly deteriorating mind. The episode opens at The Max with Zack and Screech flipping through the white trash bible known as Auto Trader magazine. I can’t hate, I’m a teensy, tiny bit of a car guy myself ( I also love pro wrestling and one of my favorite bands is non-ironically, Def Leppard. My collar may be white but I’m constantly combing my inner mullet.) so I kinda love when they discuss cars on SBTB if only to make me furious about how cheap old cars were back in the early 90’s when everyone just wanted Impala’s or Jeep Wranglers. I digress. Further evidence of Zack’s beaten and left to die on the side of the road self-esteem comes from his conviction that, unless he gets a hot ride, his chances for poony are as good Screech’s. Actually, they’re worse considering Screech had Violet heels up on Kevin the Robot for most of last season. I’ll give you a moment to throw up if you need to. Zack forgets he’s still “top dog” at Bayside and can basically have any girl he wants. To Zack, it’s buy a $185K Ferrari or die a spinster. He’s probably bulimic too. If only Jessie had leant him some body image acceptance literature we’d have no Tori to talk about today. Zack laments to Screech that his $10 a week allowance from daddy will not provide him enough capital to buy a car before high school’s over. Instead of making fun of Zack for still receiving an allowance at age seventeen, his friends suggest he ask his dad for a raise. Don’t his friends know Zack only sees his dad about once a year? Screech suggests Zack get 2,000 more dads. Well, he’s had three so far so that suggestion is not entirely implausible. Zack continues to pout and whine as Kelly busses his table (and I assume, does her best not to drown this spoiled baby in filthy mop-bucket water) when Jessie bursts in the door. Surprise, surprise, she’s stressed out and complaining again. Say what you will about her drug addiction, no one can deny that those pills at least made the stick fall out of her ass for a good sixteen hours. Mr.Belding has charged her with coming up with some Earth shattering theme for this year’s yearbook since she is the head of the yearbook committee. Isn’t Stanford off the table at this point? She’s headed to Surf University right? Why doesn’t she drop some of this shit? Anyway. Because Bikini Kill isn’t a theme, Jessie is clearly stumped. Back in Belding’s office, the yearbook committee is brainstorming. No surprise, Zack’s on this committee too but is nose deep in Auto Trader. The black nerd guy who talks like Stephen Hawkings suggests they make it holographic. That pretty cool idea is shot down. Most likely because he was black. Belding finally turns to Zack and demands an idea. Zack casually thows out that the yearbook should be on video instead because, you know, reading’s for fags and shit. But what of the senior pages where kids write all sorts of embarrassing shit that will haunt them for years!!?? You can’t just get rid of that institution??!! But, because the Bayside gang can do whatever they want, yes you can. Video yearbook is go.
Bayside magically turns the driver’s ed classroom into a professional video shoot studio complete with the requisite purple cloudy pastel backdrop. Zack and Screech are, of course, in charge of this whole operation. Why wouldn’t they be? Everyone shows up dressed in the uniform of whatever sports team they are on. Slater’s in his too small football uniform and when Zack turns the camera on and tells him to start talking he chokes like he’s already on the California University wrestling team. Talking to a camera in an almost empty room nearly gives big, bad Slater a heart attack. One could see this as the writers taking more swipes at his outlandish masculinity but I choose to see it as residual flashbacks to basement rapes by weird uncles back in Germany. Kelly comes in wearing her cheerleader uniform and is filmed jumping and cheering and then flirting with Zack. Zack’s metaphorical beej gets cut short (ooh!) when Kelly reminds him that his parents are going to have to drive them to their date this weekend. Ha ha! Burn. This sends Zack deep into castration anxiety so he flees the scene leaving Screech to film the rest of the students for the yearbook. Lisa comes in dressed like a retard and says she’s founder of the Fashion Team and the Shopping Squad. It’s cool Bayside lets students just make up crap they did. I trust Maxwell Nerdstrom came in next and said he was vice-president of the Big Dick Society and captain of the Bangin’ Sluts Brigade. I would have. Also, Lisa lists her hobbies as “dating guys” and “dating guys.” It’s cool to know that when her future grandchildren watch this they’ll know grams was a whore. Ahhh, who are we kidding. The shelf life for VHS tapes from the early 90’s was like three years. Should have gone CD-ROM Zack! Screech, very conveniently to the plot, remarks that lots of dudes will probably want to date Lisa after watching this! Yup, Zack’s money and car lusting brain suddenly gets an idea. Zack says they’ll turn the video yearbook into a video dating service tape like service thing! In case you’re too young, pre internet, wackos and social introverts like myself too terrified to answer personal ads in the back of supermarket circulars let alone actually talk to people had one choice when it came to finding someone to bump uglies with, video dating. You essentially filmed yourself talking about yourself then the agency you did this through would let anybody with $5 grab your tape out of a box, watch it in private, clean themselves up afterwards, then obtain your phone number. If it sounds like more trouble than it was worth, you are 100% correct. But it still sounded like a good idea in the early 90’s so Zack and Screech shift the questioning of female students from “what hobbies do you enjoy?” to “what do you look for in a guy?” and “anal. Yes. No. maybe?” Shockingly, none of the ladies seem to find this disturbing line of questioning, uh, disturbing. Maybe because Blonde Bimbo #1 says she wants a man who’ll blow all his cash on her and Joan Jett-esque Goth Rocker # 3 says her dream date is Jon Bon Jovi – setting her hair on fire. Seriously. I’m turned on. Anybody else? We go to Valley where Zack and Screech are selling tapes in the hallway under a large sign reading “Girls! Girls! Girls!” Thank goodness famous people only casually walk into Bayside so there’s no chance of Vince Neil swinging by to pick up the swim team and drop off a subpoena. The tapes are really moving as I guess all Valley girls, contrary to popular opinion, are prudes. Not the girls of Bayside as we shall soon see. Zack notes that they’ve already made a shit ton of cash and have several more schools left to hit up including St.Marys Reform School. Shoot, so what if one of his friends gets brutally raped and murdered? He’ll pour a little liquor out of the window of his future Ferrari in their honor.
The next day we see the girls of Bayside all talking about how many random guys called them last night. Rather than the natural response of being creeped out and terrified, the Bayside woman are over the moon that so many men are interested. Zack catches wind of the girls talking about this but then, to his horror, notices Lisa and Jessie talking about all the random guys that called them too! Lisa is stoked about how many dates she has lined up. Man, Lisa is desperate / suicidal. I imagine one will be able to eventually piece together a hard copy of the Bayside yearbook just from the back’s of milk cartons alone. Zack grabs Screech by the ear and demands to know why Jessie and Lisa were put on the tapes and, more importantly, was Kelly on them? Of course she was because Zack gave explicit orders to Screech to include “only the hottest girls” on the tape. Considering there’s only seven girls at Bayside total (with the gang comprising three of them, four if you count Slater), what the fuck was he supposed to do? Zack demands to see Kelly’s tape. Screech has edited Kelly’s tape in such a confusing, hurkey-jerky way that any dude who calls her no doubt has human skin hanging up as wallpaper. Zack loses it. Suddenly, Belding and Jessie burst in wanting to see how the video yearbook is progressing. Zack, in a blind panic, rips the dating tape out of the vcr and, whooooops!, fumbles it into a big pile of normal yearbook tapes. Both tapes being unlabeled (sigh), Zack just hands one to Jessie and flees the room. We cut to Jessie watching the tape of her (billed as Jessie “legs” Spano) with basically half of the school. The other students are pissed. Slater threatens a beating. Belding threatens an expulsion. All of these are justified but Kelly suggests, getting even. Belding and 86% of the student body agree to this illegal action. We go to the men’s locker room where Zack and Screech are arguing that their stupid plan may have gotten a touch out of hand (mainly because Zack’s relationship could be threatened, fuck everyone else) when Slater storms in all pissed off wearing sky blue jeans and a shirt made of what can only be described as alligator skin if you tye-dyed the alligator first. To offset his ridiculous attire he rips the door off of a locker and screams that if he finds out who gave all these dudes Jessie’s number he’ll “pluck their nose hairs out!” Um..you know, a lot of people PAY for that service? Anyway, this freaks Screech and Zack out so they run out into the hallway where Jessie and Lisa are sulking about the fact that Lisa got her phone taken away because of all the incoming calls she was getting and that Slater broke up with Jessie and is beating every guy he sees up in a jealous rage. Zack says she’s bluffing when, on cue, the bell rings and all the dudes of Bayside walk out into the hall dressed up in fake bruises and bandages. How they coordinated a school wide prank under Zack’s nose is a testament to the solid educational foundation and life skills learned at Bayside. Bayside High – Where Tomorrow’s Crooked CEO’s Are Ripping You Off Today. This unnerves Zack who is mercifully called into Belding’s office. Beliving he has found momentary sanctuary, Zack relaxes only to see Belding with a black eye the result, he says, of an “earlier incident” with Slater. Come on, you can fucking punch the principal of Bayside out and not be arrested?? How Zack could still think Belding is allowing a rage fueled, sexually confused Slater to roam the halls kicking the shit out of everything he sees requires stupidity I’m fairly certain not even Becky the duck possesses. Yet, here we are. Kelly walks in now all punked up ala her future role in Son In Law with some JV-Jake from California Dreams rip-off who she introduces as Vince Montana. Son of Joe. Cousin of Tony. Presumably. In addition to her new look, Kelly now has a “bad ass” attitude and tells Belding to shove it as she begins to make out with Vince. Zack pleads “what about us!!” to which Kelly replies “Oh yeah, we’re through.” Zack barely has time to work up some sniffles before Slater all but kicks Belding’s door down, grabs Zack’s shirt, and rears back for a punch. Backed into a corner, Zack “times out” the world and makes a break for it. When the world “times in” Slater actually does knock out Belding since Zack is no longer in his way. This brings up a few disturbing possibilities in that 1.) this is the first time Zack has “timed in” and not been in the same position as he was when he “timed out” so everyone in Belding’s office must be wondering what the fuck just happened and 2.) if you’re a fan of time travel theories, Zack has just made the world collapse in on itself. In all other “time out” instances, Zack could have accomplished what he intended to do only with less ease. In this instance, Zack was gonna get punched. Destiny decreed Zack was going to get punched. By “timing out”, Zack has altered the course of time in such a way to create a new timeline where getting knocked out by a dude in ugly clothes does not occur .If you subscribe to the theory that time can only move forward , Zack just made it take the exit ramp, screwing up all future time based on Zack getting knocked out. In fact, the simple act of freezing time is akin to ‘pausing’ a tape which implies that the timeline has already been written and you’re editing shit in post which would, in theory, fuck up the rest of time. Wow! Nerd alert! Kelly’s in a fucking mini-leather jacket and DTF in this episode and I’m talking about fucking non-linear time??!! Get it together dude!
The conclusion of this episode finds the gang and a few select random students back in the video yearbook room. They all received invites to meet Zack there at 3. If there’s one thing Zack’s great at aside from making cardboard cutouts, it’s making index card sized invitations. Everyone’s there yet Zack is nowhere to be found. Screech comes in with a tape from Zack he instructed him to play. On the tape, Zack tells everyone he f’d up bigtime and , after finishing up the video yearbook, enrolled himself in military academy (he can’t do that but I digress) so they’ll never have to see him again. He tells Screech to give Kelly (who’s still with Vince Montana here which makes me think that they extended their “fake relationship” long after the joke was over. Makes me think Vince extended something else too if you catch my drift??!! I’m talking about his penis.) back his friendship ring. Kelly starts to cry which is sooooooo not punk rawk. Meanwhile, Zack has snuck into the room dressed as the ugliest woman imaginable so he could watch his friends weep over his departure. Slater immediately recognizes Zack and begins pointing him out to everyone. The tape ends with Zack saying so long to Bayside to which everyone in the room cheers! Zack, who has not noticed everyone in the room pointing and giggling at him, goes to the front of the room, rips his wig off and yells “come on! I’ve done worse than this!!” The entire populace of the rooms points at him and yells, collectively, “gotcha!” Episode over. Though Zack admits to personally using all money made from pimping the video tapes to finishing the yearbook, the problem remains that a billion strangers still have these girls numbers and these tapes are very much still in circulation. And will be. For a long, long time. Without knowing it, in addition to Girls Gone Wild, Zack also invented “sexting.” And why couldn’t he come up with an idea for econ class again? Hey! I got through this without any interruption. The worst is clearly yet to come. Pray for me.